Against Ranch: A War on Good Taste

Editor’s Note: The following is a fragment of a now-lost blog post by Adnil written on an unknown date in the late 1990s.

Those who follow my more philosophical (or indeed, my prior mathematically theoretical) work may be surprised to find that I am something of a culinary savant. My fascination with this art started at a young age with my father’s preoccupation of salad creation. His personal chef salad with iceberg lettuce and arugula topped with bacon, medium-done steak, crumbled boiled egg pieces, and doused in vinaigrette makes my mouth water just writing about it. However, salads—as well as my disposition to making (and eating) them are not the point of this work. No, this is a pertinent discussion we as culinary enthusiasts should be discussing.

We must move along to the point of this work—the beastly, offensive-smelling subject of my disdain—ranch dressing. This dressing (if you can call this poor man’s goopy, white, mustard-mayonnaise bastardization a dressing) is utilized obsessively by Americans for any and all foods—including, but not limited to; vegetables, like cucumbers, broccoli, and carrots; pizza; chicken wings; and worst of all, salads. Much to my dismay, one may find ranch dressing in many homes, often with no alternatives for pairing with the snacks brought with and for it. This, in a word, is a travesty for anyone with functioning taste buds.


The replacement can be created as follows:

  • 240 mL of white vinegar
  • 2 1/2 tbsp of honey
  • 3 tbsp of dijon mustard (preferably homemade)
  • 5 tsp of salt
  • 2 tsp of minced garlic
  • 1/2 tsp of mashed red savina (or substitute any spicy pepper)
  • 500 mL vegetable oil

The proportions of this dressing are the perfect balance of flavors and lead to a much more gratifying experience when consumed along with […]

5 thoughts on “Against Ranch: A War on Good Taste

  1. Great recipe! Glad someone saved this… I made it back years ago and never recorded the recipe. Pairs well with chips.


    1. We’re currently working on getting more up asap! Right now this page is run by just one person, and I’m having quite the year.


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